June 28 , 2006

Superman Returns

In a word, Super-riffic !!!

HOLLYWOOD - Finally, a summer movie so great, so filled with drama, visual splendor and thrills, I'm actually thinking of paying to see it! Superman Returns is a triumph, a movie with powers far beyond those of other movies. A movie so good, this year Oscar™®© just might be wearing a cape!

Relative unknown Brandon Routh handsomely stars as the Man of Steel, who, after returning to the smoldering remnants of his home planet Krypton, finds his adopted world has changed - crime is rampant, the evil Lex Luthor is back in style. But worse, former flame Lois Lane is engaged and has a child of her own, having just won a Pulitzer prize for her essay "Why the World Doesn't Need Superman," implying that she may have moved on.

Well, Miss Smarty Pants (brilliantly performed by Kate "The Boz" Bosworth), let's see how long it takes you to melt that Dentyne Ice heart of yours when he returns, eh? Superman cleverly combines all the pizzazz of a superhero movie with a love story straight off the WB!

Kevin Spacey is spectacular as arch nemesis Lex Luthor, playing bald like he was born to play it. Marlon Brand gives his most electrifying performance since he died, and as Daily Planet chief Perry White, Frank Langella is delightfully tall.

A word about this whole "gay" issue: many of my colleagues in the fifth estate have been obsessing over whether Superman is gay, and I think it's ridiculous. As a strange visitor from another planet, it's unknown what gender he really is, and whether me might have unseen parts which resemble ours, be they male of female. For all I know of Krypton, Superman might be a lesbian. Brando sure looks like a lesbian, a stunning, white-maned lesbian lady, so who the heck knows? all I know is that it's Superman's business what he does with his super-junk and none of ours! Persons of steel ought to be treated the same as anyone else.

Okay, sermon over. Now go out and enjoy the new strong, sinewy, sexy slab of Superman!

June 23 , 2006

Click

So great you'll want to hit replay, again and again!!!

HOLLYWOOD - Finally, it's here - the third or fourth best movie of the summer! So far! Click is so delightfully charming, funny and inspiring, it had me reaching for the replay button time after time, until I remembered I was in a movie theater, clicking my phone at the screen! It's that terrific! Think It's a Wonderful Life meets The Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind meets Monty Python's The Meaning of Life , and you get The Eternally Wonderful Sunshine of a Meaningless Life! That's what Click is all about!

Adam Sandler stars as Michael, a brilliant architect who's overworked and underpaid. One day, searching for a universal remote to make his life easier, he stumbles upon the mysterious Morty (Christopher Walken) who gives him a remote that not only controls his TV, but can pause, rewind and fast-forward his life! Soon he becomes openly abusive to his family, shows the emotional maturity of a nine-year-old and enjoys torturing children. It's a classic Sandler character, and he'll scream, punch, fart and curse his way into your heart!

Kate Beckinsale stars as Michael's patient, sexy wife - I never did get her name, but you know, I didn't care; she delightfully fills the space required in the script for a patient loving wife. But the real scene stealer is Christopher Walken - if character acting was a religion, Christopher Walken would be God. And David Hasselhoff delivers his most solid performance since Baywatch Nights. And Rob Schneider is brilliant as usual in the cameo role of a funny Arab.

Not satisfied to be a regular hilarious boob and penis-joke Sandler movie, Click delves into metaphysics, asking those mysterious existential questions that keep us up at night: Who am I? Why am I here? Why is it that I can treat everyone who loves me like dirt and they still love me? It's a message that in the end, will bring a tear to your eye and warmth to your heart. But in the meantime, enjoy a laugh-a-minute, racist, sexist, breast-filled, groin-kicking life-hating good time with Adam and the gang! Click will make you stand up and cheer for a guy who doesn't deserve it in the least, and that's what Hollywood is all about!

June 16 , 2006

The Lake House

You'll want to rent this Lake House!!!

HOLLYWOOD - it's a love story to span the ages - exactly two years! This summer, be sure you stop by The Lake House, a romance that sizzles with desire, mystery and that classic romantic theme, time travel. In only one summer movie will you see a love story so tender, so touching, so temporally disjointed, it'll have you on the edge of the seat, waiting for it to end! It's a movie I will have liked so much I can't wait to have seen it!

Alex (Keanu Reeves), a brilliant architect, moves into the vacant lake house of his estranged father (Christopher Plummer), a brilliant architect. He finds a note from Kate (Sandra Bullock), the woman who just moved out - or did she?! Soon we realize that Kate is the woman who will have moved out, two years from then; that's the now that is then in the movie - or is it?! For Kate, who will have found notes sent from a man living two years before her, it's be a chance to have shared her dreams with someone who will have touched her heart when they would have met, and the two find themselves falling into an impossible, timeless, doubly anachronistic love affair for the ages, right now, right then and right soon!

Keanu Reeves delivers his most powerful role to date, exhibiting over three emotions. Sandra Bullock smoulders in a brilliant role and brings all the skill and craft she shared with Reeves in their last epic romance, Speed. Christopher Plummer positively shines as An Old Guy.

If you're going to have seen one movie this year, make sure that movie will be The Lake House. It's the cinematic past participle that's future perfect!

June 9 , 2006

Cars

You'd better race to see Cars!!!

HOLLYWOOD - Oil crisis? What Oil crisis? Strap your family into the Hummer and take them all to see Cars, the high-octane family adventure that will have the whole family revving up their laugh engines and cheering from the starting line to the checkered flag!

In this delightful fantasy world, every living thing is a car, including the bugs, which are Beetles! It's a comforting vision of the future, in which the world is paved, all life as we know it is extinguished but our sturdy cars keep rolling along. Lightning McQueen (Owen Wilson), a hot-shot race car, is burning rubber on his way to the Piston Cup championship, when his life takes a detour into the sleepy town of Radiator Springs. He meets lots of fun, salty characters, like Doc Hudson (Paul Newman), sexy Sally Carrera (Bonnie Hunt) and the irrepressible Larry the Cable Car.

The winners at Pixar have another champion in Cars, and this one purrs like a kitten. It's a powerful yet safe and dependable movie that has plenty of doodads to distract the kids, while offering safety features that Mom will appreciate and all the high-end performance that Dad expects in an overpowered family sedan. There are plenty of funny racial and ethnic stereotypes to go around, and you'll get plenty of mileage out of all the gas-burning gags. Here in Pixar's Cars, you'll feel safest of all!

June 2 , 2006

The Break-Up

It'll break you up with laughter!!!

HOLLYWOOD - Oh, the sordid, selfish empty lives we lead... were never as much fun as they are in The Break-Up! It's the feel-good-about-feeling-sorry-for-yourself comedy romance you'll want to see again and again! I went to see The Omen instead, but the trailers and clips tell me that The Breakup is a winner! Apparently it's a sassy, peppy all-out war of the sexes that'll make you stand up and cheer for somebody!

Jennifer Aniston stars as a woman, a bright, perky, yet vulnerable woman with a job, who's engaged to this guy (the delightful Vince Vaughn) until the little things that drive them crazy start to drive them absolutely crazy and they break up. But wait, there's a catch - they own a classy condo together and neither of them wants to move. What the heck will they do? I'm sure that the whip-smart screenplay will keep us guessing right up to the hopefully charming end.

Aniston brings along the kind of maturity and class we've seen in several of her recent films, but who cares? She's just so darling, with that perky little nose and that twinkle in her eye, it's a shame that don't have an Oscar™®© for cute!! But there's more to Jennifer's performance than mere cuteness. I'm not completely sure what that is, because I dropped my notes when she appeared in the previews almost completely nude!

Vince Vaughn leaves behind his usual whacky frat-boy antics for the more well-rounded, subtle kind of acting he showed us in Psycho. A great supporting cast seems to add a lot of pizzazz to this mixed-up affair, with John Favreau as a guy Vince Vaughn knows, along with Vincent D'Onofrio, Judy Davis and Jason Bateman, who I've read actually steals the show! So if you're looking to break up - with laughter - be sure to take someone you love, or are having some considerable reservations about, to see The Breakup!

May 25 , 2006

X-Men: The Last Stand

X-Man-Tastic!!!!

HOLLYWOOD - This is the summer movie America has been waiting for all week! X-Men: The Last Stand is the best X yet! It's a flat-out, edge-of-your-throat, lump-in your-seat thrill-ride, guaranteed to melt your heart and dissolve your body into a billion molecules! No other movie in history has combined comic-book action, Oscar™®© -winning acting, political intrigue, sexy costumes, humor, heart and innocent people dying by the thousands!

X-Men: The Last Stand promises to be the third movie in the trilogy, and delivers what it promises! This time around, a "cure" has been found for Mutantacity, threatening to alter the course of history. Mutants can now choose to live as "normal" people... or can they? The opposing views of Charles Xavier (Patrick Stewart) and Magneto (Ian McKellen) are put to the test, and so begins the war to end all trilogies!

All your favorite X-Men regulars are here: annoyed, cigar-chomping Wolverine (Hugh Jackman); weather-altering cape-wearing hottie Storm (Halle Berry); Luscious, bipolar Jean Grey (Famke Janssen); dangerous, essentially nude Mystique (Rebecca Romijn); and whiny, relatively powerless Rogue (Anna Paquin). And as an added treat, TV's Kelsey Grammer joins the cast as the quick-witted blue monster and international diplomat Beast. Other less memorable actors fulfill necessary roles, rounding out a brilliant cast!

In no other movie that isn't a cartoon will you witness world-renowned actors play characters with names like Magneto, Wolverine, Storm and Rogue. With tour-de-force acting, nonstop action that never stops, and a visual feast to boot, trust us when we say that X-Men: The Last Stand is the number one X-Men sequel of the year!

May 18 , 2006

The DaVinci Code

This DaVinci's a Masterpiece!!!

HOLLYWOOD - Prepare yourself for the most important movie in human history! The DaVinci Code is astonishing, a brilliant, heart-grabbing, brain-twisting puzzle filled with shocking revelations that will pin you to your seat, make you think and, just maybe, cause you to doubt the very existence of God! What more can you ask from a summer movie?

Ron Howard has crafted a gripping masterpiece that's almost as engaging as an episode of CSI: Miami, and that's saying something! Tom Hanks positively irradiates the screen with star power as Robert Langdon, Harvard professor of symbiology, who is called to the scene of a grisly murder at the Louvre, a famous Paris art gallery. He's aided by French puzzle-solveologist Sophie (the ravishing Audrey Tattoo). Together they begin to unravel a hidden secret that has remained an obscure mystery, hidden obscurely in mysterious secrecy...until now! The pair then set off on a thrilling series of adventures and dialogue scenes in exotic locations like Paris, London and rural Scotland, talking and puzzle-solving all the way. If you're thinking A Beautiful Mind meets Indiana Jones, you're right, and this is one Beautiful Indiana Jones!

Sir Ian McKellen is at his Oscar™®© calibre best as Sir Leigh Teabag, the eccentric man who job is to explain things, and boy does he! Sir Ian explains the hell out of everything in sight, with style, grace and scene-chewing panache. Jean Reno smoulders as a Paris detective who plays by his own rules, once again proving himself to be the Frenchest actor of our time.

I must confess that I never read the Dan Brown book on which the movie is based, but I understand it was quite popular a while back. As a rule I don't read books because I don't want to ruin the surprise when they become movies. I recommend this to all my readers.

However, I was not prepared to have the very foundations of my faith shaken to their very foundations! The DaVinci Code contains startling information about Jesus and Mary Magdaelene; I won't spoil the surprise, but what you learn about these two and their children will forever change the way you look at life, God, the universe and the very nature of existence!

But worse, DaVinci uncovers some frightening news about the Catholic church, which as it turns out was not always "the good guy" in history. In fact, as many fundamentalists have always feared, the Catholic church is filled to the rafters with super-secret societies, masochistic albino hit-monks, bizarre geriatric sex cults and murderous billionaire bishops, all controlled by a mafia-style council of hostile men who don't seem to like women a lot.

I'm completely certain that all this information is absolutely true. Why? Because DaVinci is directed by Ron Howard. How could Ron Howard lie to us? I mean, look at him! Look at that face - the purity of Opie and the utter guilelessness of Richie Cunningham remain in his gentle, gnome-like visage, and I for one believe him implicitly.

Once this movie's shocking revelations become public, I predict you'll see a lot of talk about it in the news. And frankly, after seeing The DaVinci Code, if I was Catholic I'd write a very stern letter to my local bishop, and actually consider leaving the church for a safer, more comfortable Protestant denomination. Personally, I find the Episcopals to be a heartwarming, inspirational church the whole family can enjoy! The Pope has met his match! If you see one church this year, make it Episcopal!

May 12 , 2006

Poseidon

Unsinkably Terrific!!

HOLLYWOOD - All aboard - for disaster! Poseidon is is setting sail for action, adventure and fiery, explosive romance! Not since Titanic has a movie had you grabbing for your seat and reaching for a life preserver at the same time! This is the summer blockbuster that will keep you thrilled until The DaVinci Code comes out next week!

Poseidon is a classic disaster, based on the harrowing true tale of the Poseidon Adventure, a luxurious all-star movie that capsized at sea in 1972 leaving a small handful of survivors. The retelling of this frightful tale is fully modernized, digitized and action-ized!

Kurt Russell heroically leads the all-star cast of victims as Robert Ramsay, former New York mayor and natural leader, except when it comes to his daughter, a bundle of cute played by Emmy Rossum, who is secretly betrothed to the young hunk Mike Vogel. Complicating things are smooth-talking gambler Dylan (Josh Lucas), Smart-mouth drinker Lucky Larry (Kevin Dillon) and jaded architect Richard (Richard Dreyfuss) All together for the suave New Years Eve scene, their lives are suddenly turned upside down when a rogue wave capsizes their ship - and their dreams! Others round out the cast in smaller but necessary roles.

Kurt Russell is brilliant, giving the kind of mature, dynamic role you'd expect from a Dennis Quaid or a younger Harrison Ford. Richard Dreyfuss is positively inspirational in his role as a moribund gay architect, adding gayness at such a subtle, nuanced level you might not even believe that he's gay. So far, it's the best gay role played by a straight man this year, a Brokeback-caliber performance without all the sex stuff.

Director Wolfgang Petersen (Das Boot, Troy) installs all the components needed for a safe and smooth-running disaster epic - danger, narrow escapes, elaborate diagrams, flames and floods galore, all in cutting edge digital splendor, so you can be sure that the movie starts dependably and runs all the way to the end! The dialogue is brisk and peppy throughout, thanks to a snappy script, you can count on lots of people yelling "This way!" "let's go!" and "Over here!" Wow!

So get your ticket and hop aboard Poseidon! It will capsize your heart!

May 5 , 2006

Mission: Impossible: III

Impossibly Great!!

HOLLYWOOD - Wow! There's a new word for action in the dictionary and that word is Mission: Impossible III! Strap yourself in for a a nonstop adrenaline-fueled rocket sled of a thrill-packed, high-energy rollercoaster!

M:I:III beats every other summer film this year so far in heart-pounding, pulse-stopping, defibrillating action, making this must-see modern-day classic into a full-bore summer thrill-ride! M:I:III grabs you by the neck and doesn't let go! It won't even think about it! No, it grabs you, pulls you down, starts hitting you right in the face, and boy that hurts. And just when you think it will let up, boom! it kicks you in the groin then starts stamping on your head, breaks a few of your ribs and pistol-whips you until your head is just a bloody mass--of action! If it ran any longer, M:I:III would roll you up in a tablecloth, drop you in the trunk of a Pontiac and bury you in a place it knows upstate!

Tom Cruise, the most exciting and successful star in the world, absolutely steals the show in the lead role of Impossible Missions Force operative Ethan Hawke, screaming, flying through the air and slamming into things. This time he's up against his biggest, evilest enemy yet. Omen Damien (Philip Seymour Hoffman), international arms dealer and information knower, has kidnapped Ethan's brand new wife and threatens to shoot her, blow up Ethan's head and ruin their marriage.

Cruise is in top form here, even more electrifying than in Vanilla Sky, and he runs nearly twice as far as he did in War of the Worlds. Philip Seymour Hoffman delivers a virtuoso performance of such raw power and subtle grace it will undoubtedly earn him another Oscar™®©! Somehow he manages to overcome the odd, reedy lisp that played to his advantage in Capote. In M:i:III, Hoffman uses a full voice, sometimes mumbling like a method actor, other times barking like a sea lion. His role just may be remembered as the most stunning performance by a supporting actor in motion picture history.

M:i:III is directed with power and glory by J:j:Abrams, co-creator of the series Lost, so you know that if you try to follow the twisty-turny plot, the only thing you might lose is your mind! But don't worry, just when everything gets hard to follow, boom goes a car and or off comes a mask and the film is back at breakneck speed again! M:i:III combines a tender love story with a crazed maniac --and we're only talking about Tom Cruise! It's truly the first can't-miss masterpiece in the High Holy Season of Action Films. To miss it would be a sin against God!

April 7, 2006
Benchwarmers

A Home Run of Laughs!

HOLLYWOOD - Get ready to play ball - balled up on the floor with laughter, that is! Benchwarmers is stepping up to the plate to become the comedy hit of the season!

The big-wigs in Hollywood decided not to preview Benchwarmers for the press, so we'll have to do a lot of guesswork here. But since it's made by the folks who brought us Grandma's Boy and the Deuce Bigalow series, Benchwarmers is set to knock it out of the comedy park for twelve-year-old-boys everywhere!

David Spade, Rob Schneider and John Heder (Napoleon Dynamite) star as three loveable idiots who spent their youth siting on the bench while other kids had lives. But now, with Schneider and Spade pushing fifty and Heder in his late twenties, well I don't quite understand it but it's payback time!

To get their revenge on the world, these aimless middle-aged men (except for Heder who is rather young) decide to intimidate children. Teaming up with an eccentric local billionaire (Joh Lovitz) the crew challenges children to play against them in a winner-take-all baseball tournament. The resulting hilarity will split your sides and melt your heart.

David Spade and Rob Schneider turn in the kind of performances that they're famous for, and John Heder is genuinely funny! At least in the trailers! Craig Kilborn stands out in his usual role as an asshole, and what an asshole he is! SNL's Tim Meadows provides conflict, while Jon Lovitz rounds out the cast as the goofy billionaire who keeps the plot moving.

The kids will love it when Hall-of-Famer Reggie Jackson steps up and shows the boys how to destroy mailboxes with a baseball bat, just like they did in the movie Stand By Me. We're betting a whole new generation will be out there vandalizing this weekend, thanks to Benchwarmers!

So whether you're a twelve-year-old boy or just act like one, you'll stand up and cheer for Benchwarmers!

March 31, 2006
Basic Instinct 2

Basic-ally Brilliant!

HOLLYWOOD - It's the eye-popping, heart-pounding, pants-bulging thriller of the season! If you thought Basic Instinct 1 was sexy, and you can't wait for Basic Instinct 3, you sure won't want to miss Basic Instinct 2!

Sharon Stone is once again brilliant in the role of a walking vagina - a deadly vagina with hair and teeth and a variety of weapons at her disposal. This cold calculating 50-and-still-hot vagina walks the earth as crime novelist Catherine Trammel, who's moved to sexy London many years after enveloping walking penis Kirk Douglas in Basic Instinct 1. Sure enough, only seventeen short years later, Catherine and her vagina are caught in a web of murderous intrigue. Confounding Scotland yard by giving them all raging, steel-hard erections of up to four hours or longer. Enter Dr. Michael Glass (David Morrissey), a walking penis who poses as a criminal psychiatrist. Dr. Glass reacts stiffly to Catherine's advances, at least at first, but within two or three minutes he's plunged headlong into a dark mysterious world of moisture and intrigue.

Sharon Stone is unstoppably sexy and earns the title of Hollywood's most memorable screen vagina. David Morrissey brings the same good looks and place-holding capabilities he's brought to other movies he's been in, although I can't think of any offhand at the moment, and David Thewlis and Charlotte Rampling are riveting in supporting roles playing people who have lines. Although it lacks stirring depravity and the fully exposed genitalia that legendary screenwriter Joe Eszterhas and director Paul Verhoeven brought to Basic Instinct 1, I have a feeling that men of all ages will be standing in line to take home the unrated directors cut!

The tremendous subtlety, the twists and turns and the frightening V-like mask Ms. Stone wears through her performance - It all adds up to the most sexually provocative thriller of the decade!

March 23, 2006
Larry the Cable Guy:
Health Inspector

"R" is Got Done Real Good!

HOLLYWOOD - Get ready to laugh, America! Need a comedy smash? Larry the Cable Guy will "Git-R-Done!" the "R" gitting done in this case being the comedy hit of the year!

I haven't actually seen the film yet, but the clips I've seen will have you tearing out your mullet with laughter! America's favorite comic Larry the Cable Guy stars as Larry, a big city health inspector who uses his country charm and unorthodox personal hygeine habits to "git-r-done;" the "r" got done in this new context being the inspection of restaurants for health code violations.

Apparently his happy life is turned upside down when he's saddled with a female partner whom he endlessly mistakes for a man, because she wears pants and very little makeup - imagine the hilarity! Then Larry takes on the biggest case of his career - to track down a mysterious string of food poisonings at the city's swankiest eateries, where he probably outrages people with his irreverent methods and the crack of his ass. but Larry still manages to charm the movie's love interest (Megyn price), who's much prettier than his new partner so it's not as funny - or is it? You'll have to see the movie to find out!

It took a lot of courage for young Mr. the Cable Guy to step out of his role as America's funniest cracker, but Larry stretches his wings and his talent to make the jump from cable guy to health inspector in the comedy role that will grab Oscar's ©®™ attention and win America's heart!

Veteran actors Joanna Cassidy and Joe Pantoliano are probably great in their roles as people larry encounters, and the whole thing adds up to a pickup truck of comedy with a bed full of laughs and a hemi of heart! So tear the sleeves off your shirt, forget to bathe for several days and “git” ready for the funniest movie of the year!

March 17, 2006
V for Vendetta

V for Vantastic Entertainment!

HOLLYWOOD -Action, romance, buildings blowing up and costumes - there's something for everybody in V for Vendetta! This movie has Oscar™®© spray-painted all over it. Hang on for the summer movie ride of the winter season! V for Vendetta will have you grabbing the back of your seat!

A cautionary tale for the future, V For Vendetta is set against the grim backdrop of an England that's more totalitarian than usual. Predictably, America lies in ruins from war, and the British government has been taken over by, I think, angry Puritans. V (Hugo Weaving), a masked mystery man with a gift of gab, swirls and swaggers through the evil regime, blowing up things, slashing people's throats and appearing on television. Is he crazy? like a fox! A dashing, daring fox who likes to wear capes! V meets Evey (Natalie Portman), and falls in love with the "v" in her name, even though it is small while his is capital. To prove his love he kidnaps and terrorizes Evey, but with the good manners of a gentlemen and a smile on his face, mostly because he always wears a mask.

V for Vendetta is a classic Phantom of the Opera -meets- 1984-meets-A Fistful of Dynamite -meets-Zorro movie, but it stands head and shoulders above the rest in this crowded genre. Produced and written by the Wachowski Brothers, who stole our hearts and our minds with the Matrix series, the movie's packed with thrills, elegance, style, action and dialogue. Hugo Weaving is riveting as the man behind the mask in a courageous performance - he speaks with the charm of Errol Flynn and moves with the grace of Roberto Benigni. Natalie Portman is terrific, up to the challenge of playing a shy, confused little English girl. I guarantee you'll cry when she gets her hair shaved off.

V for Vendetta rises above the controversy that has engulfed it by creating the kind of serious complex and deeply symbolic characters that turn ordinary comic books into graphic novels. Is V a terrorist, or just a sad and lonely victim of ghastly government experiments, imbued with super powers, driven insane and bent on a path of revenge and mayhem that will end with the destruction of government buildings? it's up to you to decide.

But beyond all this fun is an important message: governments can do bad things if we let them. This shocking revelation is brought into sharp focus by crisp photography and a hot-hot musical score. and there are surprises along the way, too - you'll learn that V's name was originally pronounced "five!" Wow! It all comes together in the most important movie of this or any year.

March 10, 2006
Failure to Launch

This Failure's a Triumph!

HOLLYWOOD -You'll fail not to love Failure to Launch, the feel-good, see-it-again head-over-heels romance that will have you falling in love with itself!

Sarah Jessica Parker, who won America's heart in Sex in the City and all those cosmetic ads, plays Paula, the woman who just might lure poor, dumb, handsome Matthew McConaughey (Return of the Texas Chainsaw Massacre) out of his parent's basement, where he lives his carefree, ultra-sexy life.

But Paula has a surprise up here sleeve - she's a professional bachelor-out-of-house-getter, hired by Matthew's parents (Kathy Bates, Terry Bradshaw) to rid them of this meddlesome hunk! And this is where the fireworks start.

There's fireworks aplenty in this Oscar©®™-caliber comedy. Performances are smashing all around, but the standout in the crowd is Terry Bradshaw's bold, sensitive performance as the dad, probably the best in his career. Jam-packed with laughs, there's humor, warmth, sexy sass and style, making this the year's best date movie! So far!

If you like falling in love, or even if you don't, you'll have a hard time failing to leave Failure to Launch without a smile on your face. In fact you'll want to see this Failure again and again, and again!

March 3, 2006
Ultraviolent

Ultra-riffic!

HOLLYWOOD - hang on to your cupholder and get ready for the ride of your life! Ultraviolent packs a punch aimed straight for your heart! It's the heart-stopping, pulse-pounding, mind-blowing thrill-ride of the year, and it won't stop until the movie ends!

Set in a futuristic 21st century, a race of mutants called homophages has emerged, boasting enhanced speed, incredible stamina and the clean sexy lines of a Japanese sports car. Frightened by the power of their powers, the Government makes the homophages into outcasts, subjected to terrifying tests and other examinations. There's only one man who can stop the madness, and that woman is the ultra-gorgeous, ultra-deadly, ultra-jumpy-aroundy mutant named Violent (Milla Jovovovich) who proceeds to fly, spin, cartwheel, pirouette and kill everybody on the screen who doesn't have a top billing.

Fans of killing will thrill at the exciting and different ways in which people are send to the next life in Ultraviolent, but at the heart of this faster-than-thunder action thriller is a heart, and it's all heart. With her dark hair flying like a lethal koosh-ball, sexy yet deadly Violent kills and kills and kills again, but it's all for the love of a ten-year-old boy named Six. Not a weird love, mind you but very appropriate for an action film of this scope. The ten-year-old boy named Six is played by thirteen-year-old star Cameron Bright, who melted our hearts at the homicidal monster child in Godsend.

I tell ya, you have to admire Milla Jovovovich for her dedication. She trained in martial arts for a full year, and all for a movie that will be in theaters for two weeks tops! Wow. Hats off to Jovovovich, who combines the sexy smarts of a Jean-Claude Van Damme with the subtle allure of a Paris Hilton!

So prepare to be blown! Ultraviolent is the heart-throbbing, pulse-stopping action film of the decade!

ERRATA: Kirk Douglas iwas mistakenly identified as the actor in the leading role of Basic Instinct 1; however, it was his son, Michael, who played the role of the walking penis. The editor regrets the error.