ACCEPTED
This Comedy Graduates - With Honors!!
HOLLYWOOD - Every so often a movie comes along to that defines a generation with a brilliant, iconoclastic comic antihero - Ferris Beuller, Ridgemont High‘s Jeff Spicoli, Bill and Ted. We don’t have one of those, so until the next one comes along, Accepted will charmingly, delghtfully make do!
Young Bartelby “B” Gaines (the guy from the Mac ads, but not the one with the glasses) has coasted through high school on his wits and charm, but now he faces a quandry - he’s been rejected by every college he applied to. So he does what any red-blooded cheeky teen movie would have him do - open up his own university! Soon “B” enlists all his quirly colorful supporting actor friends to help him pull off the ultimate slacker con, the South Harmon Institute of Technology (or “S.H.I.T.”, what a fiendishly clever acronym!), and suddenly he has his own college, a place where everyone who’s been rejected from something feels at home.
The guy from the Mac ads (but not the one with the glasses) is refreshingly youthful as Bartelby, and brings a youthful refreshment to his role that’s refreshing. I can’t remember the names of anyone else in the movie except Lewis Black, who pops in for a brilliant turn as a screaming, spitting-mad middle-aged man who’s angry at everyone and everything.
If you’re looking for a carefree, rollicking, laugh-filled, totally wild ride to cap off your summer, and all the shows of Snakes on a Plane are sold out, you should have no problem getting a seat for Accepted!
THE NIGHT LISTENER
Listen up, Oscar™®©
!!
HOLLYWOOD - Forget those frivolous Talledega Nights, drive right by that Monster House. Move over, Lady in the Water; here’s the first summer movie ready to depress the hell out of the whole family! The Night Listener is a tour-de force of drama, a taut psychological thriller that’s achingly beautiful and beautifully aching - at the same time! The Night Listener pins you to the edge of your seat, grabs you by the gut and makes your ears stand on end.
Robin Williams is brilliant as the gay - but not “funny gay” - radio talk show host Gabriel Noone, sort of a depressed Frasier who’s come out to himself. He develops a relationship with a young caller named Pete, played by Mc Rory Caulkin, and let me tell ya, he’s got more screws loose than an old boat! It turns out that the boy may not be who he says he is - or is he??! Thus begins a spider’s cradle of twists and turns that will keep you guessing until you run out of guesses!
Robin William’s performance is a triumph, not at all spastic or clever; in fact it’s so bleak and morose you just might want to die. McRory Caulkin plays the young-screwed-up boy to perfection, and Toni Colette has a role in the film as well. The story is based on actual true events that happened - or is it?! The result is deep and profound in the style of a Hitchcock or a Lars Von Trier. If you want your summer to end with a whimper, run to see The Night listener!
MIAMI VICE
This Vice is habit-forming!!
HOLLYWOOD - The summer’s burning up now that the real Miami heat is coming to town! Miami Vice is without a doubt the the most entertainingly breathless movie of the year! It positively fires on all the goods and delivers the cylinders! Michael Mann has done it again like he’s never done it again before! But watch out, this Vice could be addictive!
Colin Farrell sizzles as Sonny Crockett, an undercover cop who won’t play by the rules. And although Farrell looks like he spent the night sleeping off a drunk in a pile of his own underwear, it’s really good underwear, rough around the edges, and perhaps a bit dirty, a little dangerous. Farrell brings the same whip-smart dash and daring he brings to all his roles, only this time you can almost make out what he’s saying more than half the time!
Jaimie Foxxx plays the super-suave Ricardo Tubbs, and he positively ignites the screen with cool. Gong Li plays the alluring Chinese/Cuban high-stakes financier, and this exotic dish of black beans and fish sauce simmers with danger and allure.
So move over, other films that aren’t Miami Vice! The sexiest, stylishest movie of the summer takes no prisoners and leaves no residue. Vice leads you down the back alley of intrigue, drops you to knees of tension and busts a cap of action on your ass!
JOHN TUCKER MUST DIE
John Tucker must be the funniest movie of the year!!!
HOLLYWOOD - Summer’s hot and getting hot-hot-hotter with the super-sexy nice-and-nasty girls-just-wanna-have-revenge comedy smash of the summer! John Tucker Must Die has it all: handsome guys, pretty gals, anger, betrayal and flat-out laughs that never stop coming. I guarantee that when I see this movie I won’t stop laughing!
When three girls from different school cliques realize that they’re all dating the young rogue John Tucker, it’s time for revenge, times three! Or is it?! They set him up to fall for the new girl in town, just so she can dump him and break his heart. Or will she?! But wait, it’s not all as easy as it seems, and we learn about love and heart and relentless teenage sex, with laughs aplenty along the way! Or is there?!
Jesse Metcalf (Desperate Housewives, Celebrity Poker Showdown) is pitch-perfect as the philandering hunk John Tucker, with just the right amount of nasty–and abs–to win you over! Brittany Snow (Guiding Light, other things) brings sass and sparkle to the role of Kate, the new girl who’s caught in a dilemma. And the ever-dependable Jenny McCarthy (The Stupids, John Tucker Must Die) arrives like a train wreck as a savvy mom who ought to know - she’s bounced more beds than Beautyrest - and with her acting chops tuned finer than ever, Old Jenny’s positioned to be Hollywood’s go-to cigarette-fueled utility MILF for the next decade!
So if you like your sex meaningless, your men vacuous and your women fighting one moment and making out the next, you won’t be disappointed with John Tucker Must Die!
Weekly Blurb Host Collapses While Reviewing Shyamalan Film
HOLLYWOOD - Weekly Blurb host Mal Valour is in the hospital recuperating from what doctors described as “an emotional breakdown,” possibly triggered when Mal attempted to give a positive review to M. Night Shyamalan’s Lady in the Water.
If he doesn’t die, Mal will return in a week with all new Reviews You Can Really Use!
YOU, ME AND DUPREE
You, me, them, us and non-stop laughter!!!
HOLLYWOOD - Oh, my ribs! I just saw the press material for You, Me and Dupree, and I couldn’t stop laughing! This riotously funny comedy is moving in to sleep on the couch of your heart and stink up your bathroom with laughs!
Carl and Molly (Matt Dillon and Kate Hudson) are just starting out on their perfect married life, when along comes Carl’s old unemployed slacker buddy Dupree (Owen Wilson), just in time to complicate things and give us something to laugh at. Soon Dupree has moved in, driving everybody crazy until they learn that Dupree is just Dupree, and his simple homespun wisdom melts everybody’s hearts, but not before clogging them up–with laughter!
Owen Wilson is hilarious as the exact same character he’s played in every movie he’s ever been in. I wish my minivan was as dependable! Matt Dillon and Kate Hudson are pitch-perfect as the couple whose life gets complicated by Dupree’s antics, and Michael Douglas pops in to be the serious dad-boss figure who has a change of heart.
Dupree has laughs in all the right places. We’ve all seen this story many times before, so don’t worry, it’s easy to figure out where to laugh. In fact. Dupree is so perfectly, hilariously predictable, you could just stay home and think about the funny lines Owen Wilson would say, or the nutty predicaments he’ll get everybody in, and laugh for two hours without even going to the theater!
PIRATES OF THE CARIBBEAN: DEAD MAN’S CHEST
Set Sail for the Best Movie of the Summer !!!
HOLLYWOOD - Harg, what’s that I sees on the horizon, boyo? It be the thrillingest yarn this side o’ the Pillows of Hercules! Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man’s Chest is sailing at full throttle and coming about at your local theater to lay claim to your thrills and steal yer hearts! Arg-Harr, me carbuncles!
Okay, I’ll admit that I don’t really speak Pirate, but you’ll be singing praises after seeing Chest, the greatest adventure movie of the decade! Chest picks up where the last Pirates adventure left off, and doesn’t stop until it sets us up for the next Pirates adventure, coming next year! And this time, it’s even more like a theme park ride than the original!
Captain Jack Sparrow (Johnny Depp) discovers he owes a blood debt to the legendary Davey Jones, Captain of the ghostly Flying Dutchman. With time running out, Jack must find a way out of his debt or else be doomed to eternal damnation and servitude in the afterlife. Making matters worse, Sparrow’s problems manage to interfere with the wedding plans of a certain Will Turner (Orlando Bloom) and Elizabeth Swann (Keira Knightley), who are forced to join Jack on yet another one of his misadventures.
…At least that’s what it says in the press release. All I know is there’s sixteen men full of laughter, thrills and adventure waiting for you on this Dead Man’s Chest!
Johnny Depp returns in glory as the revoltingly dashing Captain Jack Sparrow, and in the words of that national treasure Billy Joel, this Captain Jack will get you high tonight, and take you to his special island! Keira Knightley is simply the most beautiful image to grace the movie screen since I can remember noticing women, and she’s pitch-perfect as the plucky Elizabeth Swann. Veteran Actors Bill Nighy and Stellan Skarsgard add a touch of class, and Orlando Bloom has some sort of a role.
It all adds up to the greatest pirate adventure tale since somebody first pirated something and another person wrote about it! Chest will raid your coast with laughter, slit your throat with thrills, and leave you for dead with a smile on your face!
SUPERMAN RETURNS
In a word, Super-riffic !!!
HOLLYWOOD - Finally, a summer movie so great, so filled with drama, visual splendor and thrills, I’m actually thinking of paying to see it! Superman Returns is a triumph, a movie with powers far beyond those of other movies. A movie so good, this year Oscar™®©
just might be wearing a cape!
Relative unknown Brandon Routh handsomely stars as the Man of Steel, who, after returning to the smoldering remnants of his home planet Krypton, finds his adopted world has changed - crime is rampant, the evil Lex Luthor is back in style. But worse, former flame Lois Lane is engaged and has a child of her own, having just won a Pulitzer prize for her essay “Why the World Doesn’t Need Superman,” implying that she may have moved on.Well, Miss Smarty Pants (brilliantly performed by Kate “The Boz” Bosworth), let’s see how long it takes you to melt that Dentyne Ice heart of yours when he returns, eh? Superman cleverly combines all the pizzazz of a superhero movie with a love story straight off the WB! Kevin Spacey is spectacular as arch nemesis Lex Luthor, playing bald like he was born to play it. Marlon Brand gives his most electrifying performance since he died, and as Daily Planet chief Perry White, Frank Langella is delightfully tall.
A word about this whole “gay” issue: many of my colleagues in the fifth estate have been obsessing over whether Superman is gay, and I think it’s ridiculous. As a strange visitor from another planet, it’s unknown what gender he really is, and whether me might have unseen parts which resemble ours, be they male of female. For all I know of Krypton, Superman might be a lesbian. Brando sure looks like a lesbian, a stunning, white-maned lesbian lady, so who the heck knows? all I know is that it’s Superman’s business what he does with his super-junk and none of ours Persons of steel ought to be treated the same as anyone else.
Okay, sermon over. Now go out and enjoy the new strong, sinewy, sexy slab of Superman!
CLICK
So great you’ll want to hit replay, again and again!!!
HOLLYWOOD - Finally, it’s here - the third or fourth best movie of the summer! So far! Click is so delightfully charming, funny and inspiring, it had me reaching for the replay button time after time, until I remembered I was in a movie theater, clicking my phone at the screen! It’s that terrific! Think It’s a Wonderful Life meets The Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind meete Monty Python’s The Meaning of Life , and you get The Eternally Wonderful Sunshine of a Meaningless Life! That’s what Click is all about!
Adam Sandler stars as Michael, a brilliant architect who’s overworked and underpaid. One day, searching for a universal remote to make his life easier, he stumbles upon the mysterious Morty (Christopher Walken) who gives him a remote that not only controls his TV, but can pause, rewind and fast-forward his life! Soon Michael becomes openly abusive to his family, shows the emotional maturity of a nine-year-old and enjoys torturing children. It’s a classic Sandler character, and he’ll scream, punch, fart and curse his way into your heart!
Kate Beckinsale stars as Michael’s patient, sexy wife - I never did get her name, but you know, I didn’t care; she delightfully fills the space required in the script for a patient loving wife. But the real scene stealer is Christopher Walken - if character acting was a religion, Christopher Walken would be God. And David Hasselhoff delivers his most solid performance since Baywatch Nights. And Rob Schneider is brilliant as usual in the cameo role of a funny Arab.
Not satisfied to be a regular hilarious boob and penis-joke Sandler movie, Click delves into metaphysics, asking those mysterious existential questions that keep us up at night: Who am I? Why am I here? Why is it that I can treat everyone who loves me like dirt and they still love me? It’s a message that in the end, will bring a tear to your eye and warmth to your heart. But in the meantime, enjoy a laugh-a-minute, racist, sexist, breast-filled, groin-kicking life-hating good time with Adam and the gang! Click will make you stand up and cheer for a guy who doesn’t deserve it in the least, and that’s what Hollywood is all about!
THE LAKE HOUSE
You’ll want to rent this Lake House!!!
HOLLYWOOD - It’s a love story to span the ages - exactly two years! This summer, be sure you stop by The Lake House, a romance that sizzles with desire, mystery and that classic romantic theme, time travel. In only one summer movie will you see a love story so tender, so touching, so temporally disjointed, it’ll have you on the edge of the seat, waiting for it to end! It’s a movie I will have liked so much I can’t wait to have seen it!
Alex (Keanu Reeves), a brilliant architect, moves into the vacant lake house of his estranged father (Christopher Plummer), a brilliant architect. He finds a note from Kate (Sandra Bullock), the woman who just moved out - or did she?! Soon we realize that Kate is the woman who will have moved out, two years from then; that’s the now that is then in the movie - or is it?! For Kate, who will have found notes sent from a man living two years before her, it’s be a chance to have shared her dreams with someone who will have touched her heart when they would have met, and the two find themselves falling into an impossible, timeless, doubly anachronistic love affair for the ages, right now, right then and right soon!
Keanu Reeves delivers his most powerful role to date, exhibiting over three emotions. Sandra Bullock smoulders in a brilliant role and brings all the skill and craft she shared with Reeves in their last epic romance, Speed. Christopher Plummer positively shines as An Old Guy.
If you’re going to have seen one movie this year, make sure that movie will be The Lake House. It’s the cinematic past participle that’s future perfect!
